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Altar_Paradigm
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Name: Justin
Birthday: 7/19/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: Observing oddity in it's natural state, Sleeping way later than is the social norm, Reading, Ranting, Writing, watching the sun rise and then going to sleep.
Expertise: I consider myself an expert at pretty much nothing... but I get asked questions about computers (either technical or interest points), music, and Becky most often, I would guess those are what my expertise lay in then.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/14/2004
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| Here's a light hearted note first:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=6VAkOhXIsI0
Probably the best instrumental guitar piece I've heard in a long time, maybe ever. It doesn't sync video to audio especially well though.
On a heavier note, I'm having a crisis of value in my life and it's leading to some rather schizophrenic gyrations and outlooks. I have this feeling I can't shake like there's something I need to be prizing in my life. I have a career I'm good at and a wife that loves me, I have everything I wanted a few years ago. I'm going to where I want to be now, I'm enjoying the road and yet I'm caught up in both trying to appreciate the hand I've been dealt and contained in utter disgust at what's around me that isn't directly affecting me (yet). It seems like everyday there's a new frustration somewhere, a new hypocrisy for me to gawk at. I'd like nothing more than to focus on the beautiful, but some of the people in this world are so hell bent on making it ugly.
So I have the constant concern of whether to try to change the things that bother me (futile in most cases) or to embrace the beauty and try to enrich it where I can (also mostly futile, I'm pretty inept). It seems every other day or so I get swept up in one camp or the other wishing I'd not bothered to pay attention at all.
What sets me off today is enjoying the beauty of the sunset, the gorgeous music in my ears, and then opting to tune into talk radio, keep up on the world and all... have a social conscience, be less of a burden on humanity and all that. I tune in, and I hear Mr. President peddling his fear mongering bullshit. I hear yet another motion to ram something through congress. Fuck em. Fuck him and his constant misuse of national security. Like clockwork every time this administration wants to trot out another pile of shit there's another alarm, and another claim that if only we'd pass this treaty or that bill or this tax hike we'll be safe. Of course he's doing what's best for the county.
If he'd like to do what's best for this country he'd stop trying to wrap the American public in blanketed fear. I'm so sick and tired of hearing it, perhaps the less informed may not think about it, but nobody thinking at all about this can possibly believe we're safe at this point. No amount of airport check points that confiscate shaving cream or my water bottle is going to stop anything. No amount of treaties or wiretaps is going to prevent the inevitability of another catastrophe if one is to occur. We aren't patroling 3/4 of our border, we're out being proactive and giving them our working class to shoot at instead. Whatever we think of all of this, if the big bad terrorists want to bring the war on terr' to 'merica, we're all sitting ducks.
I still think we're convinced (and we're probably right) that without our foot on the throat of these nations they'll wind up coming up to bite us in the back. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe the American public believes they rest safely in the arms of their government. Maybe no public is suited to hear that all the countermeasures being put forward are ultimately worthless. Maybe the people out there really are incapable of rational thought at all and need to be herded like cattle. It's hideous, it's ugly and I want to fix it.
I still hope that this all has the possibility of being so much more beautiful.
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| It's been hard to write recently.
It may be harder to read what comes next, hopefully not due to offensiveness, but probably due to it being dry and poorly written, and with frequent use of "air quotes". I think it bears saying all the same, and it's probably best if I do just to try and exercise it from my mind.
I had taken to spilling my thoughts on the pages of a notepad on the train, but even that bucket seems to no longer be catching the droplets of creativity and long winded soliloquy I've grown accustomed to spewing. Maybe the well spring of that paticular idiocy or vice is starting to dry. I have a feeling I'm in the middle of a mental drought, and that soon it's going to return, but if not I don't think I'm going to be crushed. It's been a nice tool, but I don't know if I have any special aptitude for the whole journal/writing "thing".
I'm also of the mind that I've spent so much time in reflection in this last year that it's become more difficult to think about anything beyond the "marvels" gone past. I have a job, I have a place, I have a wife and about a thousand sleepless nights and weary days behind me.
I am no longer bound to anyone or anything that can exert direct control over me. And, finally, I am out from under the burden of constant financial strain. All that it took to get here was the last year of my life. I wish I could say I'd do it again.
To hit the highlights of the last year I think it's best I list them out, better to really capture why I'm so caught in this perpetual cycle of thinking backwards:
So I have:
- Failed out of school
- Worked what was essentially 3 jobs at a time
- Had one burn down
- Been fired from another (essentially at least)
- Never really collected a "paycheck" from the third
- Made a dozen contacts that are now staples of my life
- Moved 300 miles away from my wife with no income and 200$ in my pocket
- Got a new job with the promise of a future
- New Apartment
- Moved into said apartment and reunited with my wife after almost 7 weeks.
- Survived Christmas
I'd be proud, but where I'm at it just makes me feel tired. I think if you'd have told me all of that was on the grand to do list last year I would have crumpled into a ball and died. Coming off of the emotional lows of last year knowing I can't possibly catch up from what was wholly my fault, but which I can only bear part of the blame. I don't know whether that makes me stronger now that I'm through it... or ... just older.
I think the terrible music of my youth said it best
"...well I guess this is growing up"
Merry belated Christmas to anyone that gets a chance to read this, and may your new year bring less heartache than the last. As for me it's all i'm hoping for in my next year aside from hoping I can move my focus into the future and no longer dwell on what's past.
Love,
Wilding
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| Some things will never change; though nothing in my life really fits into that category.
I've had some time to reflect and by and large I'm pretty happy with how everything is turning out. I'm experiencing a little bit of the 'alone in a crowded room' sensation without having Becky here to maintain and balance me. The business of day to day life is all that really keeps that from growing into a monstrous problem, but with as much business to be busy with I'm fine.
By and large things are fine, but my global sense of belonging is a little lacking. Is it just me? I keep feeling like the communities I am involved in (that's pretty much community singular as I don't really feel like I belong to my work place community yet) all feel narrow and small. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade the people that surround me for the world, but all the entertainment and tears, it's all about local things. There's never the pretense at making a difference or being a spiritually based community, of doing good or growing. It is and end and a means only to a select narrow interest of like minds. It makes me miss home, it makes me miss being young enough not to know there's anything else out there, and it makes me miss Greenville.
I miss all of you guys. I hope I can catch you over new years.
Love
Wilding
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| You'll have to forgive me if I don't write long, but I just wanted to say how awesome it is to have a job again.
Off to work!
Love
Wilding
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| I did.
It's a good one in Chicago, so aside from the commute it's really all I could have asked for. Here's hoping everything else falls into place.
Also, hopefully i'm back in greenville at least a little before I drop out, make sure you don't let me forget to stop by (you who are left).
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